die way.

"I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice? Only words, words; to be led out to battle against other words."
-Till We Have Faces, C.S. Lewis

again Merton.

"Only the man who has had to face despair is really convinced that he needs mercy. Those who do not want mercy never seek it. It is better to find God on the threshold of despair than to risk our lives in a complacency that has never felt the need of forgiveness. A life that is without problems may literally be more hopeless than one that always verges on despair." 
— Thomas Merton 

desire.

"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going, I do not see the road ahead of me, I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore, I will trust you always, though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone." — Thomas Merton

the Way.

We defied all preconditioned odds of Barcelona by actually catching up on sleep, instead of sacrificing it. Jesse booked a chic apartment in a quiet, near-coast area of loco Barcelona that Maeg and I schemed to replicate for our future abode. The 3-day journey wound through Gaudi monuments (including famous Park Guell and La Sagrada Familia), a chocolate museum, cathedrals, street performers, parks and the beach. Maeg fulfilled a personal mecca to finally see Gaudi’s work, while I wandered through a country I’d studied since 8^th grade, basking in each attempt at “translator.” While paella, sangria, papas bravas and otras tapas satisfied all Espana-cuisine cravings, the Vampire Weekend concert equally quenched the semester-thirst for live music.

Sunday morning began at 3 a.m. with a walk to a bus station, followed by a drive to an airport, a flight to a train station, a train ride to Florence and a walk home 30 minutes before our Renaissance history presentation. Thankfully, we had enough coins in our pockets to steal 30 min. off an “E-Point” airport computer, to Wikipedia information for our noon project. Nothing like a 5 a.m. international cram session.

As our last Narnia-esque adventure came to close, thoughts from two worlds reeled their familiar images through my head. (I now agree with Maegan in crowning 4 a.m. as the peak-processing hour.) But as my mind scurried around just about everyone and everything I’ve encountered in 91 days, I tripped on the unexpectedly weighted question of, “what really matters?”

Psalm 10 possesses a startling line in David’s description of the prideful man, as he says “in all his thoughts there is no room for God.”

Too true did this accusation resonate with my introspective morning, and I found little openness to His filling.

In a kenotic response to surrender the masses of life equations flooding sacred space in our hearts, Maeg and I hope to examine the past few months and grapple with important questions throughout December. Have we allowed Him to truly transform our inmost beings, in full? What will remain, divinely solidified in our inconsistent characters, when the European memories and experiences fall to the wayside? Who has He led in and out of our 4-month journey and for what reasons? Do we truly trust Him with the upcoming unknowns, especially after His manifested faithfulness in this season?

Surely, we can acknowledge evidence of His cultivation of foundational layers for our “nexts.” But with one month left, we’re challenged to finish this race.

Prayer for Maegan and I:

“You have made known to me the path of life;

You will fill me with joy in your presence”

For the Lord truly has remade Himself known to us, both in intimate purposes for our individual souls, and in ultimate purposes for His glory. 

Yet as we continue to step forward, pray for a Spirit-empowered ability to keep living IN the questions, and joyfully remember that the Path of Life, the Way, is only in Him. 

good.

"But in this world there is too much ugliness and horror.
So there must be, somewhere, goodness and truth.
And that means somewhere God must be."
-Czeslaw Milosz

"moats and boats and waterfalls, alleyways and pay-phone calls... i've been everywhere with you"

she said.

She said “night train,” and I got excited. Not just letter-in-the-mail kind of excited, but REAL, win-the-lottery excitement, with only a slight twinge of concern. After a missed train falling among other failed attempts, fate left us no option but to take the parent-forbidden night train. Not only did we cross the line of defiance in this decision, but, more importantly, we were going to fulfill my age-old, romantic idea of traveling Europe in a sleeper car, by night. The seemingly epic realization of this movie-like scenario fueled my thoughts, and immediately, I prepared my mentality for battle. My imagination raced through cartoon images of sinister gypsies lurking in cabin hallways, and of dangerous co-passengers to whom we would be forced to share a compartment with. Even after the father-like conductor placed us safely in a quad-bolted, secure room, I didn’t let my guard down nor my thoughts subdue. Every peculiar screech or shuffle outside our fastened door offered new material for my over-active, thrill-set mind. Eyes peeled to catch any outside glimpse of a foe at each Slovakian border-crossing and two close friends in shelved-beds above me, the 7-hour voyage marked a climax for my European travels thus far. What an escapade.

She said “night train,” and immediately the felt weight of a daylong hesitation seemed to hover. From nixed plan to nixed plan since 9 a.m., the growing concern of the last-resort endeavor loomed in her conscience. She had promised their mother she would offer a savvy opinion in any compromising situation. Now, the friends seemed to have no choice but take the banned night-train to Prague. Though she worried little of her own safety, resting in a long and successful history of questionable scenarios, the potential perils for three female Americans inevitably existed. With a “make-the-best-of-it” mentality, she prepared her mind to navigate the ensuing prospective for disaster. Yet after boarding the train and quickly being offered a “safe room” from the friendly conductor, her day-high pile of apprehension instantly diminished. Relieved from the alleviated burden of responsibility, she could sit back on her fold-out wall cot, above the pajama-geared lady below, and enjoy a restful night of cherished time with two friends; the focus of her travel in the first place. What a relief.

She said “night train,” to let the others know their final verdict. She neither felt excitement nor concern at her own words, however. Yes, the night train had been warned against. Yes, night-travel proved possibly perilous. But she had traveled this way before. And plus, “safety in numbers,” right? The only miniscule feeling that carried any significance in her mind pertained to her mother, and the account she would later have to relay. But even such a duty mattered little at this point. So numb were her feelings, and so drained was her brain from the 9-hour chaos of decision-making and dead-ends, that she no longer possessed the slightest leftovers of emotion. She, the appointed “travel agent” of the trip, only cared that her friends make it from point-A to point-B. And then to point-C, once arrived in Prague. After steering through schedule-shambles at the Budapest train station, she could’ve train hopped and felt ok about it. Thus, the conductor’s guidance to a “better” cabin only seemed appropriate. And as she sat on her  “bunk,” seemingly without comment about the day’s pandemonium or her cousin’s over-eager enthusiasm, she began to plot out the groups’ next steps. What a headache.